And actually, all I know is that I'm not making out with him tonight...

So. Last night was a shit show. And by it was a shit show I really mean I was a shit show. Kinda. Well, actually, you tell me if I was a shit show. 

Last night this boy who I kinda have an innocent thing for gave me a ride to our team reunion party. You see, we were on the same marathon training team and last night we had a reunion party. Being a potluck party, we contributed booze, naturally. And I guess this boy who I have an innocent thing for needs a name: Steven. 

Anyway, at the potluck party, I exchanged pleasantries and small talk with my teammates. Caught up and laughed at each other's jokes. And discussed future marathon plans. I'm not always the best in proper social situations so I do what any responsible, mature, proper 30 year professional freak would do: I get drunk. And, I'm pretty sure I'm one of two people at the potluck party who is drunk. I say this to only emphasize how much I do stick out. Or maybe I totally don't stink out at all and it is in my head. Oh, wait. One of the girls there asked if I was stoned. Nope. Just drunk, lady. But thanks for checking. 

A few hours later the party shuts down. Steven and I say our goodbyes and leave. It's 9:30pm.   

What to do, what to do. I have this thing for him. I'm still trying to figure out if he is into me. I have no clue. I mean, maybe he is. He did text and ask me to go to the party with him. But maybe he just wants to be friends. I suppose I do keep pushing the friend vibe out there with him. How do I put the friend vibe out there, you may be asking. Well, whenever I text him I ",friend" it. Just to give you an example --> "So, what are doing tonight, friend?" See. Friend vibe. So why would I do that if I'm kinda into him. Not sure. Probably because I don't want to be vulnerable. Or don't want to be rejected. Or maybe I'm testing him. Who knows why I do over half the shit I do? I sure don't. To make matters even worse, I was talking to him about Cory last night. And Steven started asking questions about me and Cory. I know, total train wreck. Elementary dating 101 - don't talk about another guy to the guy you are kinda sorta maybe into. 

But I suppose that's the thing. I'm kinda maybe sorta into Steven. I mean, I guess I was way more into him a few weeks ago. But then we stopped hanging out. And it's out of sight, out of mind, right? And. Plus. He flaked on me during game 5 of the World Series. 

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Potluck party over. I suggest we meet my friends at a bar near my apartment. He likes the idea.  And now I'm starting to maybe think that we might make out later tonight. Gotta figure this out now. We discuss drinking & driving responsibilities. Clearly. I'm drunk. He's telling me that he will only have a beer or two and take off. I casually mention how he can always leave his car behind and to cab it home. I could even pick him up in the morning to retrieve his car. But really I'm thinking: fuck; just get drunk and crash at my place; and while you are at it, make out with me already. 

We get to the bar and my near & dear friends Matty and Chrissy are there. They are engaged. Pretty much the most awesome couple EVER. Assholes. Thanks for reminding me of my miserable 30 nothing single being. So the four of us hang out. And I continue to get more drunk. Steven continues to drink responsibly. Within the hour the more of my circle arrives. The delinquent lawyer circle that is. Cliff and Jessica who are dating and Ben all come together. 

Cliff and I use to be super good friends. But not so much anymore. I'm sure he is talking shit on me. You know, because the world revolves around me. And Cliff spends all his time talking shit on me. He really has nothing better to do. Shut up, already Ugly Dress. You are so full of yourself sometimes.   

Steven is drinking responsibly, I'm sauced, more of my friends arrive. I get more sauced. Cliff is now in a deep conversation with Steven. Shit. Now I gotta put on my best drunk face and be charming with Cliff. Sometime during this deep conversation between my ex-BFF or something and my current makeout target, Kevin joins us. Now Kevin is my ex from law school. He is also one of my closest friends. In fact, he is sitting on my couch right now as we are watching Dazed & Confused. But let's not live in the present. Let's continue living in past. 

Steven and I are talking and giggling and all of a sudden, I freeze. I can no longer hold a conversation with him anymore. Just completely paralyzed. So, he takes the moment to get us another round. Not that I even need another drink. But who am I to say no to him? 

Now the group as a whole moves into a college football conversation.  And this conversation reminds me that earlier I perhaps indirectly insulted Steven's home state, which is my current residing state, when a California team beat this Pacific Northwest college football team. And. Damn. Now I'm in deep thought about how I may have insulted Steven earlier in the night when I was just trying to be funny. So, of course, not following the conversation, I loudly slur "Califormiya is betteeer than [state X]." The conversation falls silent. Chrissy just looks at me. And I'm sure everyone at the table is just thinking "what. the. fuck. ugly.dress." Including me. Not sure what just happened. I was just compelled to stick to my guns. What guns? Again who knows? Not me. Anyway. Jessica raises her glass and toasts to the great state X. I don't toast. I'm sticking to these mythical guns. 

Few minutes later Steven says his goodbyes to the crowd. Hugs me goodbye. And leaves. I advise him he shouldn't drive. Because of course he should make out with my drunk rude paranoid narcissist being. But he assures me that he can drive. And that he will text me when he gets home. And he does. He texts me "home" with a stupid fucking emoticon. I hate emoticons. But. I forgive Steven for using it. It's the least I can do after not toasting to his great home state.

One by one my friends leave. And at some point I realize I'm the last one at the bar. So. I stumble home on home. During the walk home, I rethink and reassess my situation with Steven. Did I blow it? Is he into me? Was he ever into me? Are we just friends? Did I talk about Cory too much? Am I overthinking the California is better the his state joke? Why am I so drunk? So many questions. And got nothing. And actually, all I know is that I'm not making out with him tonight...