Once upon a time, I was in law
school. And while in law school I befriended this attractive fellow named
Cliff. Cliff and I developed a strong platonic friendship. Or so I thought.
Anyway, now as I'm sitting on my
couch looking at the snow outside my window while drinking my morning coffee, I
realize that Cliff is actually kind of a douchey coyote. No wait. He isn't kind
of a douchey coyote. He IS a douchey coyote. And, I'm not saying that he is at
100% fault for our fall out; but more just like a solid 80%.
I know that you must be thinking that I dodging my fair share of the blame, and that's fair. I mean after all, my generation has lost the discipline of self-accountability, right? But I assure you I haven't. If these blogs demonstrate anything, it's probably the amount of craziness that goes into me being tough on myself. So without further ado, here is the uncensored series of dodgy events that resulted in the fall out with Cliff. And judge for yourself. In fact, all constructive-critiques are encouraged. But just don't call me nasty names. I'm sensitive and it'll hurt my feelings.
***
Several months ago, Jessica, Cliff's gf, threw Cliff a birthday party. This birthday party turned into a make-out party. Everyone was making out with everyone. Guys, chicks, couples, singles, it didn't matter. Everyone was making-out. Except me. Then twenty minutes and three shots later, I made out with two single guys. The first was a random guy while playing spin the bottle. Yes, apparently this make-out party did turn into a junior high party. Or so I think, I don't really know since I wasn't cool enough to be invited to those parties when I was 13. The other guy was Ben. Ben and I are close friends and we've had a bit of sexual tension the last several years. Anyway, these makeouts were harmless as much as they could be: very brief and simply kissing.
At some point throughout the
drunken-hazed and sex-crazed night, the wrong combination of people start
making-out and couples start fighting. Everyone starts catching cabs and
bailing to repair their relationships while I'm just left circling around
Cliff's house looking for my purse. As I'm leaving, he grabs me and asks if I
want to make-out. "Umm. No. But thanks for the offer?" After a bit of
back and forth, he says okay and goes to sleep on the couch. I stumble out of
the front door and somehow manage to catch a cab home.
Exhibit one that things start to
get kinda sort of weird in my platonic friendship with Cliff.
Cliff tells Jessica this. Jessica
hits me up about it. And I verify it. No harm done? Guess not. Things continue
on as they always were. At least for the next few months.
Now we are in the middle of summer.
And during one fabulous July night, Jessica, Cliff, me, and another one of our
friends Sean, all get pretty sauced at one of our regular bars. We are
drinking, laughing, hanging, just having a good ole time. At some point, we all
agree to relocate to another bar. However, Jessica and Cliff disagree about the
bar. So Jessica and Sean go to one bar while Cliff and I go to another bar. We
get drinks and sit in a booth. We start shooting the shit then Cliff gets a
serious face. When Cliff gets a serious face it is usually because he is about
to yell at me for something trivial, like disagreeing with about who is the
best Beatle. Or something of that nature. So I ask him if everything is okay.
He blurts out that he really wants to kiss me. I'm shocked. I haven't really
thought about any of that since his birthday and was pretty much caught off
guard. So I tell him I'm flattered and that I consider him a good friend. I
reassure him that he is very attractive. And remind him that his gf is two
blocks away. He declares that Jessica wouldn't mind and the two agreed to be in
an open relationship. He persuades me to stop overthinking everything... so I
kiss him. Yep. I know.
"Did you hear? Ugly Dress
totally kissed Jessica's boyfriend. What a skank." I can hear the whispers
echoing down the junior high gossip infested hallways from decades earlier.
Anyway, after we kiss, I freak out
and tell him to tell Jessica to come to meet us. He does. Jessica and Sean join
us. And Cliff tells Jessica. Jessica gives me the stink eye, as she should. I
mean, I suck. I TOTALLY SUCK. I did just kiss her boyfriend. But not even a
second later, she smiles, then laughs, and then tells us to kiss so she can
see. Umm. What? I mean, WHAT? I don't think I heard you quite right? Nope, I
did. She wants us to make-out in front of her. So what do we do? We kiss. Can
this night get any weirder? I don't know. I didn't stay around long enough to
find out. I just bolted and walked home contemplating my recent life decisions.
I mean, when did I become the chick who makes out with my PLATONIC friends? When
did I become the chick who kisses another chick's boyfriend? Or better yet, when
did I become the chick to let myself get persuaded into making out with someone
I didn't want to kiss? And, when did I become the chick who makes out in public
at a bar? Oh, yeah. I started making-out with boys at bars in college. But what
about all the other rhetorical self-imposed questions? I don't know. I just
know that I wasn't proud of any of it. Open relationship or not, that means nothing
to me. That's their thing, and I don't want any part of it.
So needless to say, exhibit two
that things are now definitely not so platonic anymore with Cliff.
Let's keep going, shall we? Again,
several months go by, and now Betty has party. Betty is a chick who comes in
and out of the circle. Her social moods are just as unpredictable as the
weather in the Pacific Northwest. Anyway, we all go to the party. We all go to
a bar after the party. And at the end of the night four of us remain standing: Betty,
Ben, Cliff, and me. And, I guess I forgot to mention that Jessica is out of
town visiting her family. So the four of us return to Betty's house. I decide
to leave to catch a cab home. Cliff insists that we share a cab. Yeah, yeah.
You know by now something dodgy is going to happen AGAIN. And of course it
does. I mean, I wouldn't be writing about this particular night if it didn't.
So we share a cab. My stop is the first stop. I get out. Then he gets out. He
tells me he just wants to listen to some music and hang out. I hesitate,
but predictably say okay. So we do listen to some music and talk and
laugh and hang for a few hours. I mean, we were BFFs. This is totally normal
for us. Then when he leaves the room for a moment I start dancing to some
Tupac. And to make the situation MORE cliche, I'm pretty sure I was dancing to
Temptations by Tupac.
SIDEBAR: If you don't know that song, I strong recommend you stop reading right now and search for it on spotify/rdio/grooveshark/pandora/youtube/whatever RIGHT NOW and then resume reading this immediately thereafter.
Anyway, Cliff returns and comments on my dancing skills. And I will let you know, I know how to dance. And I like to dance. So I just laugh it off and take a seat. Then he decides to give me a lap dance. And insists I return the favor. And after some back and forth, we alternate lap dances. Clearly, this is no longer platonic friendship zone, I know. I totally participated in this. I hold myself accountable. I'm a terrible human being. The dancing situation escalates a number of times. And I keep putting out any major possible fires. He keeps telling me that he is in an open relationship. After some serious dirty dancing, I finally put out the fire for the last time. We go to sleep. Me on my bed. Him on my couch. In the morning, we laugh it off.
We didn't have sex, we didn't even
kiss. But. It was all still so very tacky. For sure. Frankly, I'd stab a chick
if she committed the same offenses against me. Then again, I would not be in an
open relationship either. That's just me though.
Nevertheless dear readers, that is
the final exhibit marking the complete deterioration of the once platonic
friendship and the beginning of the complete destruction of any sort of
friendship with Cliff.
Now that you have the back story to
all this, I will let you sit on it for a bit. Next time I will return and add
some more details and insights. And give you the full low down of the aftermath
and residue of all these events. Because of course, just like any juicy drama,
some major shit went down.
But for now, all that is important
to know is that Cliff is a douchey coyote. What does that even mean? Well, you
see, in various Native American cultures, coyotes in folklores symbolize
tricksters. He is a commonly seen character who lacks wisdom and yet is very
clever. Coyotes disguise themselves to deceive and manipulating others. But in
the end, coyotes aren't all bad because people sometimes may learn about their
own weaknesses and foolishness from the coyote's trickery. So yeah, that's the
deal with the coyote.
And with all this being said, I'm
not falling for the coyote's trickery anymore...
